Evil Cycling

Join us in extending your sympathies to the bride. And as for Stevil, well, talk about marrying up.

We know we’re stupid people, there’s no argument. Not like go-to-church stupid, but pretty fucking dumb.

But you take a look at some of the shit shows running for political office these days? Doesn’t Palin and O’Donnell and their ilk scare the shit out of you? That religious crap is pretty fucking freaky, especially Palin’s retardation. See that right here. And droids like Pelosi and Reid on the other side? And a fucking Mormon wackjob like Romney out there waiting for 2012? Eesh. Makes my bung pucker up just thinking about it. We’re idiots, but those fucksticks are crazy idiots.

I just wish I could vote Bicycle. It really is the answer to all things in this fucked up world.

In other news, Hurl’s a fucking prick. I’m sure that’s not news to most of you.

In news beyond that, BRose and Carter are now married. Look how cute they are!

We’re confused. Again. It’s easy to do, really, since we’re basically a belt notch north of pure imbecile, but we are really really confused right now. Firstly, by the garden gnome we found halfway up Stevil’s ass, and secondly by the conundrum that is SSCXWC 2010. We had a crew ready to go, but the logistics of being forced to drive everywhere, most likely under the influence of anything and everything, kinda scared us away. Kent? Renton? Fuck it, us PDX’ers are going to Kenton instead, and racing another godawful Crusade race. Beats 4 hours up, and trying the logistical nightmare of getting everywhere from Seattle to the Speedway, and everywhere in between. No close hotels, and few bike lanes, coupled with the prospect of purely shite weather looks to have the Evil team racking up some more DNS’s to our palmares. Maybe we’re not the only ones to see it…but we do think Seattle might have a riot on its hands come Sunday afternoon. Sorry, not Seattle, Kent. Or Renton. Or one of those other enclaves south and slightly east of Seattle proper by about 25+ miles. Good luck, sorta.

What’s your excuse?

Racers giving Spectators beer. It’s a beautiful world.

Joy.

Nothing takes the bait faster than religious kooks. You may have read the last post about our friends at Christ Cycles. The article is typical poofty assholery, but the comments section is pure gold.

Mutual attacks of opinion aplenty. Although, while I still am guessing I’m right, the attacks aimed at me are indeed mostly correct. I fucking love porn, you nailed that one on the head. I pull my goalie about as regularly as I bat my lashes, and I’ll make no apologies for looking up the best Xhamster and Redtube have to offer in order to more perfectly flog my bishop.

I’m no pseudo-elitist though. I am a fucking elitist. Go fuck yourself in the face with your shitty imported bikes. How about that, sunshine?You know what’s better? I have no idea what I’m talking about. I admit it.

Let’s go off on tangents, shall we?

I would like to see all the employees of that company naked, so I could call it porn in my mind and jack off to it. I hope Satan realizes what lengths I am going to to please him, and to smear poop on that dick that threw him out of the upstairs party…what’s his name? Oh yeah, god. I fucking love blasphemy about as much as I love porn. So, let’s try this brain stream: “I want to fuck god in the eye while I watch your boy jesus take it in the ass from a goat while Megan Fox and Jenna James lick each other’s pussies and call me their one true god”. How’s that? I guess it’s ok, but the two things that actually exist, or ever existed, are Jenna and Megan. Hallelujah!

The fiery truck is religion, the kid is Satan, and the bike is Evil. Pretty cut and dried, no? The liquid on the ground? That’s all bum piss.

Anyone who gets on a bike is a winner. I suppose that sums it up. We love bikes, we hate god. And hipsters. And hipster gods. But in a sense, I am sorry. Those guys are making bikes and bikes are cool. Even if it is the purest shit Taiwan can offer. If you accept the apology, please send naked pictures of yourselves to us. In return, we will send you Cheever. Not a picture of Cheever, but Cheever himself. You can have him, as a token of our good will.

And we mean the “holy” part explicitly. So much so, we feel compelled just to type it again before we actually arrive at the subject matter: Holy. Fucking. Shit.

There’s some kinda crazy shit coming out of Virginia. Taking their lord’s name in vain, and slapping it on a shit line of imported crap bikes. No, not allah cycles, no, not siva cycles, no, not Satan cycles (but I’d buy one of those, just to donate it to a local church) but…..yes, you guessed it. Wait for it……

Christ Cycles.

To top off the Christ angle, which to me cements the fact that these people (who by all rights should be out of the imaginary friend phase of their lives) are mentally deficient, they’re also vegans. Fucking christians and fucking vegans. Two things I have trouble reconciling. I mean, the vegan thing I get to a degree, it’s a choice and maybe it has compassionate roots, or maybe it’s flavor – fuck if I know – but what I do know is bacon and bacon’s ilk are about the tastiest thing in the world and I don’t know why anyone would deny themselves that glory. But these dicks are probably homophobic, non masturbating, Palin voting sorts as well. Of course, I’m guessing.

We at Evil hate everyone equally, regardless of race, creed, religion, or where you like to rub your naughty bits, for the record. We also masturbate furiously, like Chicago voting – early and often.

So, we tried to query the lads, but Stevil could only muster a stunned, jaw agape “fuck you”. The rest, stunned silence. Some of that is attributed to the weed, we understand….but a lot of it just silent head shaking.

So, join us in sending a Bacon Gram or maybe some frozen jars of giblets, to the newest horizon is absolute douchebaggery – Christ Cycles. I suppose these guys are number one with a bullet on the list of our sworn enemies, just on principle. Go look at them. American Apparel/Emo/Twat/Hipster mash ups. No CX bikes  (unsurprising). I’m in the market for a flamethrower.

The line from The Wall comes to mind – “….fills me with the urge to defecate.” But in my hat. I feel sick.

This is for you, CC!

Agent Irby chimes in from the Bicycle Sport Shop Dirt Derby in Austin, TX, with this fine entry for our Hand Down Contest, showing Corey about to deliver a can of suds. Oh, the image just begs the question….warm Hamm’s? Budweiser? Lone Star?

We’re awaiting your entry. No, no, no, not the one into Clark’s anus, that’s not news, difficult, or rare – we want your PHOTO entry of you executing a Hand Down at your CX race, wherever in the world that may be. See….look at Irby. He gets it. Actually, he gives it away, but he gets it…..understand?

Send it to dave  @evilcycling.com

….you’re going way too slowly.