Evil Cycling

when Big Jonny got fucking creamed.

And only now did I realize he was flying the flag on his top tube.

I’m glad you’re still with us, son.

We have a sale going on now, in honor of the dude they hung up on a big wooden plus sign. $66 nail guns and a buy-one-get-one-free special on pressure treated lumber.

Find your own Jesus and crucify his ass in your front lawn. Be sure to beat the snot out of him first after drinking a bunch of grog or ale. Then remember that the fairie tale of that beardo dude was replaced by a candy wielding rabbit. Oh, how the mighty have fallen…..after they were hung up like a cheap decoration, that is.

Now be sure to ride your bikes this weekend!

And by thank you we mean go fuck yourself.

The jersey order is out and gone, a few loose ends to tie up and pass along and we’re done with round 1. Round 2 and maybe even 2.5 will be coming shortly if we stop huffing paint for about 2 seconds to actually get anything done.

However, let us lean our bikes up against the bar for a moment and say thanks. We don’t run an actual business, we’re just idiots with a bike fetish and unusually small penises. But thanks for getting the jersey and flying the flag. This movement, edict, ethic, idiocy, uselessness; whatever you want to call it – is a sort of home for us. We appreciate so many of you share the same mentality. It’s nice to know there are so many people equally grounded and twisted out there.

Seems a few had some sizing issues. This is genuinely sucky and we’re very sorry for it. The jerseys did seem to run a bit on the small side, and for those of us size ‘tweeners, this didn’t work out. Check the Facebook Evil Cycling page and post for exchanges if possible with the 160 others that bought jerseys.

We may try to reorder shortly and we can swap jerseys for the mis-sized with new ones. We didn’t buy stock because we’re poor and stupid so it was order-to-buy only. Anyhow, keep an eye out for that down the line.

In the meantime, the rest of you should keep sending in the pictures of “Shitbird and me, what does it mean?”, like the following idiots:

Asswipes on bikes, your jerseys are all en route. After several trips to the post office, where we were clearly Mr. Popular mailing 40 or 50 tyvek envelopes at a time, all the shitbird jerseys have left the Portland locale, and are on their way to you.

Some of you already have them, as evidenced by this blog post, which demonstrates proper handling of said shitbird.

The last batch took to the wing Thursday, April 14th, so they should all land in the US by next Tuesday at the latest, and in Europe, the UK, and Australia, definitely by the beginning of the week after.

Please be sure to send your pictures and stories to dave@ or stevil@ evilcycling dot com. Or post to our Facebook page, or to our Twitter account. Also, send us pictures of tits. We like those.

Alrighty then, thanks all, and go fuck yourselves.

Well, here’s one good reason, the image below. Good thing the cops didn’t see his big hairy ass violating the terms of his probation.

In jersey news, the first large salvo left today. More trips to the postman are planned Tues and Wed, shipping all final orders and International order on Thursday (yes, Chris, yours is on its way Down Under). Now, when you get your jerseys, we EXPECT ACTION PHOTOS. We’ll let you determine the “action” part, but we want to see you in them, kicking some ass or drinking some beer or punching a kid.

Now, on to the imagery. It’s kinda sad, isn’t it?

stevil watches a child break dance

Prepare you boners, indeed! And for you ladies among the lucky recipients of the soon-to-ship Evil “Raven” Jerseys, prepare your nipples, or your whatever. All of you, everywhere, be sure something on your body stiffens this week.

After weeks of design and planning, weeks of vicious destruction to our livers while waiting, and a solid 3.5 hours of sorting, addressing, and packaging, your 2011 jerseys are READY TO SHIP. Behold:

Each one of those pillow looking thingies is filled with a stench you won’t believe, and was painstakingly packed away with your demise firmly in mind. Your new skins are on their way Monday, the 11th, to you and yours. Almost every state in the union (with the conspicious absence of Kentucky, Arkansas, and Alabama) along with Europe, Canada, and the UK have Evil goods bound for them. Those air raid sirens will surely sound.

When you first put it on, you’ll want to slice someone’s throat, and you’ll be gripped by a searing headache. Relax, this will pass. After that, you will go .02% slower on your bicycle, and stop at 11% more taverns on your usual ride. It’s clinically proven in early trials to deliver above average hangovers, and 2 out of 3 doctors recommend you never wear it.

Some of you have written and asked what you are going to do since you missed the order window and cannot purchase an Evil jersey. The first thing you should do is punch yourself in the sack. Then, you should keep your eyes peeled to this site to see the next announcement, because there will be one soon. It might involve jersey orders, it might involve requests for nude pictures of your parents. Stay tuned.