Ok my Evil minions...
We are now on the official
Ragbrai countdown. One week from today we will commence our yearly swath
of destruction across the midwest. The
Iowa Highway Patrol has color
copies out to all its troopers of the bus and the entire team with
instructions to beat us senseless on sight. But we'll stand firm Evil
fans! We will prevail in this ultimate fight against the forces of
mediocrity and calm. Join with me now in prayer:
| "Gods of
cheap 3.2 beer, and pork chops, look kindly on us as we seek to
engulf thee and poop thee out. Gods of speed and terror, grant us
easy passage from the world of light to the land of pure
blackness. Guide us in our worthy goals of corruption and sin.
Keep us from the hand of Johnny Law. Let our wheels spin true
across the rolling plains and over those who would stand in our
way. Gods of Ragbrai, we are coming for you at top speed." |
 |
Amen. Lots of new mail
up in that section of the site. Also don't forget to buy cool
stuff from us. There's two
spots to do that. Also, new photo galleries
and Corrosion's blog is always real clever.
We'll see you on the highway!
Sov
Watching the Tour these
past few weeks has taken me back to last year and Captain Dave's foolhardy
but devastating attack on Alp d'Huez. Ah, good times.
Since then, of course he's
been hunkered down in a sub-basement drinking whiskey mixed with Acclerade,
riding the rollers in a pool of his own filth, and watching OLN with the
obsessiveness of Rain Man engrossed in Wapner. This has made him
understandably surly and led to a sharp increase in the bilious outpouring
that is Pro Cyclists Suck! Since it's
Tour time the obvious move is:
There's more Evil in the
world. Moffet appartently has actual offspring, and now that offspring has
offspring of its own. At least the kid is being raised right! Way to go!
Euro TV's Tour coverage
is more... anatomically correct.
.
But the Euros are some
truly weird fuckers, as witnessed here in the '03 Tour:
Evil Racing Update:
The Evil cycling team had yet another
fantastic en masse abandoning of the 33rd Ronde Von Henniger Turdburglar,
in some godforsaken corner of windy, rainswept Belgium as a final prep
for the Tour last week.
Despite looking the best in their all
black uniforms, and moving about the peloton to point and laugh at the
uniforms of other teams which look as though they were designed by
LSD-laden chimps, Evil pulled to the side of the road - all 9 of them -
at the 20 kilometer mark and got off their bikes. The likes of T-Mobile
and Gerolsteiner were mocked and insulted for their poor uniforms before
the all blacks dismounted.
"We wanted them to know how shitty
they looked," explained team captain Dave A., "we just thought
they looked so retarded, and then we saw that ale house on the right
side of the road. I gave the signal, the lads and I all piled into the
team car and headed for some nice Guinness. This racing shit is hard.
Why race when you can drink your fucking balls off?"
The Biddle Bus waits
for a team that will never show
Domestiques Rob C. and Eric S. were seen
dismounting and finger pointing, arguing with one another. While the
press is quick to insinuate dissention in the team, Rob C. puts the
record straight. "I was simply telling that overgrown chimp that he
was buying the first round, and I was also settling an earlier
disagreement about a certain Napalm Death lyric. It's all good."
"Yeah, it's fine. I farted on him in the first kilometer, so I have
no problem with Rob." said Eric.
The race marks Evil's 11th consecutive
mass abandoning. Jean Marie LeBlanc, having extended an invitation
to the American team for the 04 Tour de France, fears the worst.
"They got me all fucked up on goofballs and whiskey, and talked me
into inviting them," LeBlanc lamented. "I fear I've sullied
the Tour worse than I already have. I should have invited Webcor, or
some other idiot team."
Pro Cyclists Suck!
Dave, Dave, Dave... he rips
these guys new ones on a pretty regular schedule, but he sleeps in
Euskatel Euskadi jammies next to his HealthNet night light squeezing his
Quick Step teddy bear. It's so cute.
Ok, for real he has a full
set of Voodoo dolls with shaved legs and trackmarks. I give you... The new
installment of Pro Cyclists Suck!
Howzabouta excerpt?
"I think Mayo, on the other
hand, is charged up to the eyeballs. Bust him. You know those crazy
fucking Basques are up until the wee hours, chattering like monkeys taking
their injections. It fucking pisses me off."
Just in case you thought...
we were all
namby-pamby leg-shavin' road racers, check out Rachel representing in
Chicago. She's tougher than you. Kicked Daley's ass - both of 'em, living
AND dead. She's just part of the growing mob of Evil in Cook County. Dig
her and others at the ever-expanding Evil
Across the Land.
Evil is near you.
Even in our nation's halls
of power and influence Evil bears its fangs. Watch for Jesse on the mean
streets of DC moving top-secret documents to and fro. I also heard that
all the receptionists at the Rayburn building think he's dreamy.
Keep checking Evil
Across the Land to find cells near you. And if you've been Eviled -
get me a damn picture so we can make you famous.
One million Fruita photos.
Chef Dog takes real good
photos. Here's his visual
Fruita Fat Tire Festival '04 report.
He also got some video: Out
on the trails and the exciting Clunker Crit Finish!
|
Archive Aug 2004
