Merry Whatever

We here at Evil wish upon you the most merciless of Xmases. We hope you choke on the dinner, get viciously ill, and that all your gifts either don't fit or weren't what you wanted in the first place. If someone gives you an inner tube, we want it to have a hole in it. If someone gives you a sweater, we hope it's itchy and ill-fitting. If you go for an Xmas day ride, we hope you bail, and hard. Maybe a nasty pinky finger dislocation would be good.
 

Either way, fuck off, and don't bother us, we're huddled around The Bear for warmth, in the Evil cave, sleeping off 2004.
 

Freakin' Cold.

9 degrees in Minneapolis today. I went for a ride. What did you do?

How's your chort?

My Chort stared blankly out its water window. "What's
wrong?", I said. Nothing. "You know I love you, but
you're grown now, it's time for you to go out on your
own." Still nothing. Then I flushed the toilet.

Capt. Dave

Submit your own chort report here. It's been a long time since we've heard from you.

Great minds...

Certainly seem to think alike. The brothers and sisters over at Independent Fabrications hooked up this beauty for some lucky rider. I like the cut of their jib. It seems to be a coincidence, but maybe we can chalk it up to being on the same karmic rollercoster. They even put the 'Evil' in the official team placement. I'm in love with this frame.

Evil Calendar

Be on the lookout for the following events:

Stuporbowl 8

A Minneapolis tradition of alleycat racing for the whole family (assuming your whole family digs riding fixed-gear bikes in the snow while drunk). Organized by the Minneapolis Bike Messenger Association, this yearly race brings messenger types from across the country to truly test their cold weather mettle. Don't miss it. Feb 5 2005. For info e-mail stuporbowlviii@hotmail.com or visit their webpage.

Snowball's Chance in Hell Formula Ice Race and Snowy Dash for Cold Hard Cash

Yet another cold weather throw-down - this one set atop the frozen surface of Cedar Lake in Minneapolis. We'll carve out the Figure 8 Track of Certain Doom for all you single-speeders to come and fall down for lame prizes. We'll see if we can't convince Kareem Abdul Matt Moore to bring his famous Wild Turkey Balls and maybe Grayboy will cook up the mulled wine. Either way it will be epic as always. Check out the pics from last year. It'll be sometime in early February 2005. Stay tuned for more info. Brought to you by BrauSovCor - the first name in idiocy.

Got something to add to the calendar? Email the Websterbator

Holy Crap

If you ever see this shit riding toward you just throw some raw meat at it to distract its attention. Then run.

Boston? Really?

If you ever find yourself with the option to ride a bike in Boston, Mass I highly recommend that you do it. I have spent the last week in said fair city and found it to be wicked kick ass. Granted, you won't find a ton of bike paths per se (except along the Chaales Riva), but lots of folks ride and sheer numbers mean that cars generally know you're out there. The fun really begins downtown where the street map looks like my 5 year old nephew scrawled it with a crayon... while drunk. Twisting one-ways, tons of traffic moving way slower than you can ride, and pedestrians who refuse to look before lurching in front of you all add deeply to the experience. It's the best video game I've ever played and I didn't even have to put in a quarter. The rest of the city is pretty compact since everyone lives within a two foot reach of everyone else, so getting from Cambridge (the People's Republic of) to Jamaica Plain (JP if you're cool) to Somerville (Summaveh if you're local) is really quite easy. This is all good because the city is fucking choked with cars and there ain't no place to park anyway.

So, good job you East Coast jackholes. I like your city. Thumbs up to Harpoon Beer, panini sammiches in the North End, gregarious panhandlers, and one super hot Texan. You've done well by me and I have, therefore, decided not to send Evil to your town to fuck it up. -Sov

Pro Cyclists Suck:

Dave dug through his ice chest of beer and hate and has brought us a new installment of Pro Cyclists Suck. This excerpt made me pee a little in my boxer briefs.

"Cofidis. You poor, world-champion farming bags of cow shit. Oh how you’ve screwed the pooch. At least you had Stuey O’Grady and Matty White to make you somewhat cool, but the whole Gaumont, Vasseur (though cleared) and David Millar thing really put a hitch in your britches. Systematic team doping, at its finest. Your other WC takes a hike. Bad year. On the PCS scale of suckiness, Cofidis scores the highest possible score: 10/10."

Evil 'Cross Racin:

Certain elements of Evil have been hitting the cyclocross courses around the globe recently. I can't say that I recommend this particular torture, but if you've got a real loathing for your bike, your quads, and your self-esteem, well then have at it.

First up is our own Mimi. 

She's been 'crossin' it up in the greater Twin Cities area on a single Surly Crosscheck. She's our hero. Here she is in action:

Second is that Chevil guy:

He didn't sent photos, but we did get this cryptic report:

"News flash; Chevil crawled out from under his rock and finished 9th out of 38 in the men's single speed class of the Cross Crusades Series race #6.

Hung over? Check.

Wearing the all-black? Check.

Beer hand-up? Check.

Alrighty then, fuck off."

Third up, the ever-elusive Zeke:

K.C. represents with yet another Evil Clydesdale. He reported back to us thusly:

"I placed second in this weekends Crosslogic Cross race in Riverside, Missouri. They race promoters decided (wisly) to have a single speed class. They had us race with the Class A's which I thought was a bad idea but worked out well. There were six of us racing single speed. Two mountain bikes, three cross bikes and one road bike with really skinny small knobbed tyres. Two of the racers I was worried about on the start line.... mainly cause I didn't know who they were. At the gun we all started out at an easy pace, about 1/3 of the way through the 2 mile course boom boom the two guys that I was kinda worried about dropped chains and not having the savvy to put them back on dropped out... and they claimed to be single speeders?? We tackled "the wall" and rounded the bend into a slight down hill. Frank Tuesday attempted to cut me off the course and missed taking another rider into the tree. He wasn't amused. A few turns later Frank missed a turn and rode off the course which put me in the front. We hit a paved section and I cranked up the speed and held a nice lead until the last third of the last lap. The guy on the converted roadie caught me just as I was thinking that I had the race all wrapped up. I held his wheel but didn't have the oomph to make the pass. I have to admit that I was disappointed with myself for losing my lead after holding that big of a gap. Especially to a guy that had just raced an hour before in the Class C race.

The converted roadie piloted by Keith took first, I took second on the Surly, The Woodchuck G.Rupp snatched third, and Mr. Frank Tuesday pulled in for fourth. The fourth place finish was a gift since two guys dropped out Frank said.

 Not bad for my first race of the cross season. I was even out until 5 am partying it up on Saturday night. I was talking to a friend after the race and mentioned the 5am thing... she didn't seem surprised. "Do you ever come to a race well rested and sober?" I guess not. Makes me want to kick myself. I have missed all the rest of the cross races this year for that reason. Next week no race...I have to work. The weekend after is the Kansas State Championships... they have a single speed class and I will be there.

zeke out"

And lastly a rogue member

Dennis is a badass from Iowa who tears it up real proper wherever his racing tendencies take him. It ain't 'cross in this picture, but if you see this in your rear-view, just get the fuck out the way.