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Some San Francisco recruits begin their
racing season with warm-ups and huge doses of performance-enhancing drugs.
Go get 'em Evil junkies!
Time for Cap't Dave to let fly with another broadside at the pro
peloton. Pantani's death has welled up in him a need to vent. Here's a
taste...
"This isn't going to be easy, and some
of you heart-on-your-sleeve types just might wanna look away and pretend
you never saw this installment of Pro Cyclists Suck!"
EVIL Press Release, Feb 13th, 2004
The Evil Cycling Team, presented by the
Black Speed Train of Death and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, has entered into
a joint agreement with the US Postal/Berry Floor cycling team for the
upcoming 2004 season. A merger in the works for some time, and one
seemingly mutually beneficial for both teams, was announced earlier this
week and the reactions were immediate among both teammates and rivals
alike.
"Oh shit." said Jan Ullrich.
"Fuck me stupid." remarked
Roberto Heras.
"There goes the fucking neighborhood.
Shit." Gilberto Simoni was heard to say.
"This will be great!", said Floyd
Landis, "free beer, and way more chicks."
Five time Tour de France winner Lance
Armstrong said, "We're very excited about this partnership. I see
good things, and really, a lot of bad things happening all year
long. And yes, for those of you who are wondering, I am skipping my bid
for a sixth Tour win to do Ragbrai with Evil. I've always dreamed of wearing
the all blacks in July in Iowa." Johan
Bruyneel, director of the successful team said, "This merger opens
a lot of possibilities for us, and we're excited to have some solid
though innebriated riders come on board."
While Evil will primarily lend themselves to
the efforts of US Postal in a monetary and product form, Evil riders
will from time to time participate in certain European and U.S. races
this year. Rob Evil is set to start the Ruta del Sol soon, and hard men
Biddle and Bear will be appearing in a few of the spring classics, most
notably Paris-Roubaix and Fleche Wallone.
Some notable sayings from core Evil members:
Sov says "......uh, what? *urp*, fuck those blue clad pussies, as
long as we get paid, fuck it. I'll be in the bar." Captain Dave
Evil said "those fucked up uniforms look a lot better now that they
have our logo on them. Jesus, they were well on their way to really
fucking themselves until we came along." Jane, chief lawyer
for Evil said "This is all so sordidly illegal, I think it has
something to do with Lance's cock and him screwing pop stars. Someone on
our end exploited a weakness, and I don't know what it is, but I sure
don't like it. Fuck." Dan Osipow, leader of the squad simply
smiled and said "no comment".
Another year, another Snowball's Chance.
Dang, that was a good time! Photos can be found here - 2004
Snowball's Chance Formula Ice Race
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“Gosh, Billy, I heard
there were going to be some ruffians out on Cedar Lake for some
kind of competition. You wouldn’t catch me out there, no sir!
Ice can be dangerous! You could slip and take a nasty fall.” |
That's correct little
guy, it's time again for the Snowball's Chance in
Hell Formula Ice Race and Snowy Dash for Cold Hard Cash
You may have heard of its
cancellation, but we've got the paddles on its chest and I detect a pulse.
Me and Chrisdemenor are going to bring this fucker back to life. LIVE DAMN
YOU... LIVE!!!!! Bring
a bike, your rosy countenance, and a receipt from a local bike shop
Saturday Feb 7th, Cedar Lake off Hidden Beach at High Noon - that's in
Minneapolis bro. Don't miss the Wild Turkey Balls, the Figure 8
Miss-and-Out race, and more odd behavior. Get there!
For immediate release:
January 30, 2004 - Lyngby, Denmark Bjarne
Riis, after losing Tyler Hamilton to the promising Phonak team, announces
his new star - a man who will take CSC to podium finishes in the grand
tours of 2004 while adding immeasurably to the early season classics. 
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Archive March 2004
