Where has the time gone?
Interbike,
Single Speed Worlds, the Chort Ride, man, it's been a whirlwind of cycling
and getting plowed. I think I remember how to update this damn thing.
First things
first: Go to the Homie Fall Fest. Minneapolis' grand pappy of all
single-speed events, the Kentucky Derby, a midget porn flick, and
Hurricane Velma all rolled into one happens this Sunday. Check out the
deal:
Wear a
costume, bring beer, ride a bike. Easy enough.
Now, check out
this site:
www.skibbysez.blogspot.com
Zeke's doing
better too! The big lug is back at work part time and is, according to
reports, just as big a pain in the ass as he ever was. He's had one bit of
customization done though - brother cain't see out his right eye... or is
it his left. Either way, we've been giving him a lot of shit about being
Ol' One Eye. As he says, "Just don't sneak up on my blind side. It ain't
funny."
I do, however,
want to thank everyone who came through with some dough, or some shit for
the auction. They raised enough money to truly help our brother out and
that makes me feel all mooshy inside. It's nice to know that those of us
who've taken the vow of poverty that is the bicycle industry can count on
each other in a pinch.
But,
seriously, fuck all of you. - Sov
Evil Interview with Erik Saunders
In an effort
to represent as the true racing sycophants we are (read: that Dave is), we
sent our fearless Captain to get some real dirt from the racers who chose
not to be complete shits. Target one: Saunders.
1. Erik, what's your
favorite beer?
i like XX... and Guinness... but really if i am
going to order alcohol i will have a gin and tonic with lime... and
if i am at home just hanging around with people i would probably
have a tequila and lime juice... but i cant think too much about
drinking now because i had my bachelor party last Saturday and i was
so hung over that i swore off drinking all together for a while...
2. Does your impending
marriage scare you?
its just the end of an era... i'll lose half of
everything if i cant handle it anymore and i only have a few days to
call it off...
3. Which chick on our
team do you think is the hottest?
let me go see... hold on... there is so little info
about them... you need more.. but judging by what i can see on there
i have to like mimi... she has a real good look to her... but jane
does hang drywall... i cant really pick... i like all girls
really...
4. What would it take
for you to come and do Ragbrai with us next year?
i dont know man.. that's a lot of biking... but i
would do it if you paid me... i am so broke right now...
5. If you could be a
piece of marijuana paraphernalia, which would you be? A joint? A
bong? A steamroller? What say you, man?
i don't know anything about weed smoking... what the
hell is a steamroller?... i used to go to the head shop all the time
in RVA... it was called bohanan's... i cant remember why i went
there... they had records too i think...
6. Who's funnier, Ren
and Stimpy or Family Guy?
7. If you could flick
anyone in the pro peloton, what would that persons initials be?
i remember when i first heard that word.. its kind
of a word everybody says but doesn't mean anything... unless you
mean flick lick flick em in the ear or something like that... in
which case i would flick jackson stewart... i have actually done
that before and its no big deal... but otherwise i dont really care
to "flick" anybody...
its pretty cool... but you guys gotta watch out.. you
are getting a little too hero worshipy with all the photos with you and
so and so and this guy and that guy... you need pictures of you pissing
on lance's bike or something... that's something that i would want to
see from a bunch of guys with "evil" written on their jerseys... i
think that you should have a "fuck 'im, he never sat down for a drink
with me page" for pro bike riders... every time velonews does a big
cover story on some guy...
and also since i saw "Bill
O'Reilly - international fuckwit" on the site i was reminded of
a great sound bite of his regarding lessons to be learned from the
recent hurricane disaster... on the radio show "This American Life" they
asked an 18 year old girl from a poor neighborhood to react to old
bill"s words... this is the link
http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/002376.html
and you have to scroll down and play "act 3"... its pretty good... the
thing is that billy is right on the money in this instance... some
people in our great land are just fucked from the get go and we all know
it... poor or not that whole business down there is going to change some
people... have you seen fight club?... terminator 3 is also a relevant
movie in this instance...
All the Zeke that's fit to print
Kinda ugly, ain't he?
So, apparently
Zeke sat up and ate some breakfast this morning - pissed as hell that he
can't go ride. That's our boy. So, he's doing better, but still needs our
help (I mean, really, he's always needed our help, but now he needs our
money. Ok, he always needed our money too...).
Here's what's
going on. Big ride in KC tonight (Thursday the 15th) - the Zeke Ride
(hell, he's got his own disease ride now - he'll probably have to work
pumping up tires for it next year.) Wish I could be there, but Evil will
abound in all who show I'm certain. It's a fixie-cruiser-clown bike ride
and you really should wear your sunday go-to-meetin's for this one. Powder
blue tuxes will be the order of the day. Wear your brain bucket too.
Meet at 6:00pm at 75th (wherever the hell that is).
Details here.
Dateline
Minneapolis. I'm calling a
Zeke Ride of our
own for Friday the 16th. Meet behind
One On One Studio at
7pm. (117 N. Washington downtown). Wear your finest. Bring your
cruiser. Wear your nugget lid, and prepare for hot Zeke-approved action.
We'll roll at 7:30 - stop for beverages and feats of strength - with the
ultimate goal of hitting the mighty HEXAGON BAR.
Friday the
16th at the Hexagon
(2600 27th Ave S) a triple bill for NO DOLLARS.
Spin Spin Coupling
and Wes Burline and the Librarians (I love librarians) will be opening up
for Coach Said
Not To. Spin Spin Coupling is donating all its moolah that night to
the Zeke fund - and word has it the other bands are kicking down as well.
It's free admission, so it's going to take a lot of drinking on our part
to grow the nut (if you know what I mean.) So, get there!
Also, some websites to go
see:
Your Bike Sucks
Race Clean
Zeke Down
Professor
Emeritus of Fixed Gears and More Beers Zeke Shepard is in some trouble.
Last Friday night he was hit by a car while riding home. Word is, it was
Zeke who was at fault, but that doesn't matter much. What does matter is
that he's in the ICU on a respirator and in very rough shape. Docs are
cautiously optimistic and that's good. The swelling in his brain has gone
down some, but he's not out of the woods.
We need your
help.
Zeke, though
insured through the bike shop he works for, is going to have to pay 20% of
a very fucking large hospital bill. It's our job to see that this is taken
care of.
You see, Zeke
is that guy who gets to bike races way before they happen. He sets up the
course and makes sure things are right. He mans the wrenches that keep
your bike in top form before your triathalon and during your charity ride.
He's out there so you can have a good time, and now it's time to give some
of that back.
How to give.
- Give money
at Help Zeke. Easy.
- Go race. The
race promoters for the
Rapture in Misery
6 and 12 hour mountain bike race have pledged all the proceeds from that
event to Zeke's fund.
- Give stuff -
Buy stuff. At the above mentioned race an auction will be held - cool bike
stuff, frames, hubs, old copies of Mountain Bike Action, and all kinds of
other swag will be auctioned off - again, with the proceeds going to help
Zeke out. If you have things you'd like to donate, contact me sov at
evilcycling dot com.
- Buy a
t-shirt. It ain't much money, but it sho' is funny. Get a
"Save Zeke"
t-shirt. That's just fucking classic. Profits go to Zeke.
Look, we're
here to poke fun at pro cyclists, prance around in our lycra like dorks,
thumb our noses at all kinds of shit, and talk trash about whatever we
feel. We're here for your entertainment. But right now we need you to give
a little to help a brother out. We'd do it for you... probably.
Pro Cyclists Suck
Wait a
goddamn minute! What the fuck is going on here? Who took my clothes?
Where's my monkey? Why am I in an airport parking garage with a one way
ticket to Spain in my hand? Why is there a text message from Sov saying
"Meet me in Madrid, corner bar on the esplanade, speak to no one."?
Oh yeah,
fuck....I forgot. The rest of those questions I cannot answer, but I
understand the ticket. I have to get to the Vuelta a Espana for the
ending in Madrid. No problem. I just need a toothbrush and some walking
around money. I gotta check the mail. Dangit, still the only thing
Dotsie Cowden is sending me is shit from her lawyer. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I
have to poop, again. I still can't get all those Ragbrai impurities out
of me. I think some of the Bear's ticks jumped ship and got to me.
Fuckers. Our Ragbrai photos are the best of any team, anywhere. Well,
we're the best team out there, so I guess it stands to reason. So, go to
the photos section here and check out our
antics. Good stuff.
Ragbrai was
a big success for us, luckily Sov and I could make it after deplaning
from France. The time difference got to us for a day or so, but we
weathered the storm with Old Crow (ka-KAW) and lots of mid-grade midwest
reefer. Now it'll be off to Spain to catch the back half of the Vuelta,
fly home to the States, then perhaps a break for a week before Evil's
4th annual Chort Ride takes place.
In the
meantime, it sure has been jumping in the world of doped up logo
monkeys, hasn't it? I know, I've been pretty shitty about posting, but I
don't give a fuck. Fuck you. Let's talk about stuff.
1. Now, is
anyone else as surprised that all of a sudden Roberto Heras comes good
in Spain and only Spain, after sucking a mile of cock at the Tour? Does
he just not care to take the right drugs for July? I mean, honestly, how
do you go from a snail's pace to destroying everyone in a matter of 6
weeks? I'll tell you how: The Good Schtuff, that's how. Fuckers. And can
someone tell me why Isidro Nozal is riding? Didn't he just post a
too-high hematocrit a short while back? I tell you, it's enough to make
me want to riot.
2. Maybe Tom
Danielson and his budding Carmichael-esque coach, Rick Crawford, can
concoct the antidote. Maybe not. I doubt it. Tom ain't too bright. Not
even Discovery will pull off all three Grand Tour wins. No way. My tour
predicitions went well, I think I got 6 of 8 right. I won't speculate on
the Vuelta, other than to say Heras will win. Also, I will say that when
Mancebo starts to suffer, he tilts his head and I can't help but think
of him looking like Rain Man when he's going uphill. "Climbing sucks.
Definitely sucks."
3. So, I've
been getting a lot of mail about Armstrong's retirement. For some
reason, some of you jackoffs want to know what I think about him
quitting, and about him getting needled now about those '99 urine
samples. Well fuck, I've talked about it left and right (including 25
minutes on the
Terry Boers and Dan Bernstein
show on Chicago's AM670, The Score) and I've
come to find it's the same as it always was. Why did the man retire?
Tired of the injections as well as all the rest of the crap (training,
press, sponsors, etc)? Probably. Wants to be with his kids? Probably
yes. Wants to get out before getting nailed as a cheater? Most
definitely. I mean, I'd quit, too. And to think to go out on top is
about as good as it can get. I doubt he'd want to flounder into
vulnerability, sort of like cycling's Rolling Stones, staying well past
both his welcome and his pride. I will say this about Lance, though, I
mean, anyone who's been around him knows he's all business, and
basically he comes off as a prick. This is all commonly accepted. Only
the sycophants with some tenure get to suck him off consistently. So
he's a dick. I'd be a dick too if I was harassed that much by so many
people, from giving pee tests to autographs, it's got to get to be a bit
much. He does a lot of good shit for the cancer world, I cannot take
away from his philanthropic exploits, and I commend him for it. Everyone
should. The LAF does good things, I donate to it myself from time to
time when the lady at Otto's liquor on Oakland gives me too much change
back. But let's get one thing straight: even though the L'Equipe 1999
EPO story is, in my opinion, a witch hunt, there's just no way he did
what he did without cheating. No fucking way you do that year in, year
out, putting out that kind of wattage, with overall speeds
continuing to rise, on just training and technology. Ask Greg
LeMond. If you think Lance is clean (or any of them in the top 100 are)
you're a fucking idiot. You probably also think we went to war to save
the Iraqi people from a vicious dictator, and that God exists. That
being said, Lance is still superior, drugs and all. They're all on
something and Lance still decimates them. Does the Discovery/US Postal
crew have access to better drugs? Is it the Bristol Myers Squibb arsenal
of chemists that's making the super good shit? Maybe they're crossed the
threshold and just know how to dope on a better level. Who knows. But if
you took all the juice out of the peloton, Lance would still stomp on
everyone. So, just give up like I have. Take it as face value. I coin
the oft-used analogy that cycling is now like Pro Wrestling. Just take
it with a grain of salt, and understand you're being duped when you
watch the big guns at the big races. Just know that we'll be watching,
giggling, and laughing all the way. Hey, you're on EPO and god knows
what, we're on Pabst Blue Ribbon and pot. So who's worse? Who are we to
talk? God, I hope they're talking shit about us. I know they are, in
certain circles. Again, we'll be watching, we're fucking everywhere.
The sport,
with its millions of dollars and huge fan base, will continue to purport
itself as reality and continue to hush up the whistle blowers and truth
tellers, and continue to look up the chimney at what they think is
Santa's big fat ass. Whatever.
4. Tyler
Hamilton? Gaumont? Millar? And even Lance to some extent (I've never
failed a test) and then ----------- silence. Nothing. Obscurity. Why
hasn't Tyler been nailed or not? Why hasn't Lance directly answered WHY
WAS THERE EPO IN YOUR PISS, regardless of the test being illegal and
wrongly leaked? That's all wrong. The test still says EPO is there. Why
no explanation, only denials?
5. Tyler
Farrar....please reverse this trend. Good luck in Europe, congrats on
winning that crit champ jersey that you'll never get to wear, just keep
the fucking needles out of your ass, for fuck's sake.
6. Ullrich.
Dude, you still have a black jersey waiting for you, come and get it.
Saddle up. Wait, go finish 3rd again at next year's tour, then join up.
You can't climb with the Basso's, Valverde's, and Cunego's of the world
until you learn to DOWNSHIFT. It's ok, Jan, I have some nice Krispy
Kreme's and Bavarian ale for you. Come on down to Milwaukee. You belong
here. German and fat.
7. Landis.
Dude, we like you. Fuck Lance. And fuck the Vuelta. Nice effort, fucking
amish fuck. Is this you with our guy?
8. I will
not be at Interbike. Lots of other Evil will be, though. Like I said,
we're fucking everywhere. And by fucking I mean having sex.
9. The Tour
de l'Avenir is going on. Young guns riding before they get the needle.
Ask DeCanio. And by the way, where the fuck is Stolen Underground now?
Goddamn, it's worse than a soap opera with all those twists and turns.
Ok everyone,
take turns sucking it. Crash your bike. Insult someone of the clergy. I
have to get to Spain.
Shakin' the post-Ragbrai Depression
Holy crap
Corrosion, I'll be ok. Really.
So, now that
my e-mail box is full, let's get some things set right. I've been busy
these past few weeks - so has everyone here at Evil. The shutdown of the
Ragbrai arm of this crew (arguably, the only arm - see below for details)
has left many with a bad taste in their mouths (worse than that normal bad
taste which comes from misinformation being crammed down our collective
gullet by the Man.) Worry not. Shit is going down all over.
McGruff got
hitched in St. Louis. Much Evil was in attendance including this sexy
bitch:
This is
McGruff:
The
Single Speed World
Championships were held in State College, PA and Evil represented
admirably. And by that, I mean, we were slow and a general nuicance.
Chewy was
there (who's the geek in the Subaru kit?):
\
So was Fiona
(Evil Emeritus):
So was
SuperNick - he won the derby... and gloriously upheld the pride of the
Minneapolis Mafia.
Oh, and these
guys were there too:
Then, there's
this. Damn, when the Roses throw a BBQ, things get pretty fucked up:
RAGBRAI 2005
So, it was
year seven for the Black Train of Death. Once again, we were utterly
successful in making young women pregnant, and old people question their
faith. "There's no God, old man, we're living proof. Now, hand over the
liver." It was all quite simple, actually.
Archive Nov 2005
