Prepare you boners, indeed! And for you ladies among the lucky recipients of the soon-to-ship Evil “Raven” Jerseys, prepare your nipples, or your whatever. All of you, everywhere, be sure something on your body stiffens this week.
After weeks of design and planning, weeks of vicious destruction to our livers while waiting, and a solid 3.5 hours of sorting, addressing, and packaging, your 2011 jerseys are READY TO SHIP. Behold:
Each one of those pillow looking thingies is filled with a stench you won’t believe, and was painstakingly packed away with your demise firmly in mind. Your new skins are on their way Monday, the 11th, to you and yours. Almost every state in the union (with the conspicious absence of Kentucky, Arkansas, and Alabama) along with Europe, Canada, and the UK have Evil goods bound for them. Those air raid sirens will surely sound.
When you first put it on, you’ll want to slice someone’s throat, and you’ll be gripped by a searing headache. Relax, this will pass. After that, you will go .02% slower on your bicycle, and stop at 11% more taverns on your usual ride. It’s clinically proven in early trials to deliver above average hangovers, and 2 out of 3 doctors recommend you never wear it.
Some of you have written and asked what you are going to do since you missed the order window and cannot purchase an Evil jersey. The first thing you should do is punch yourself in the sack. Then, you should keep your eyes peeled to this site to see the next announcement, because there will be one soon. It might involve jersey orders, it might involve requests for nude pictures of your parents. Stay tuned.